at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
