I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
