Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
