Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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