tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
There's always time for handjobs
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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