you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize