I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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