when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
