Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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