Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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