I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize
