i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
