We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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