Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
