i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
