TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
