I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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