I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
