she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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