i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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