i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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