got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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