You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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