how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
