i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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