I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
