There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
