So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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