It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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