I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
