life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Sober January is a disaster.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
