I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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