she was so not down for the gang bang
True but thats because hes a fetus.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
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