are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
