if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
