i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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