If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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