We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
