I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
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