They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
