tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
