That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
She's the barista slut.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
