I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
