Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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