respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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