im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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