im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
