how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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