Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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