i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
