some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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