does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize