allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
