I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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