I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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