Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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