in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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