I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I booty called her while she was in labor.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
