I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
