We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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